Maybe love can just be a good thing

You see me with your eyes. You truly, undeniably, see me into my core. My soul has for once felt noticed, adored, and appreciated due to your eyes.

They all said it would happen at a time when I least expected it. I have to say that I didn’t see you coming; you actually came out of nowhere, if nowhere was Heaven. These past few weeks of knowing you has taught me how worthy I am. You love me with those endearing eyes. Those eyes unravel every piece of who I am and I’ve never felt so complete while the pieces of myself ravel onto the floor.

Weeks. Just weeks.

Weeks are all it took for me to feel what I believe people search lifetimes for. Up until the day before I knew you I was one of those explorers. With you, I feel as though I am the most traveled. I have seen what a selfless love looks like from watching the way your eyes meet mine. Your eyes study my face as though I am a piece of art to be appreciated and taken in for exactly what it is.

I want everyone to feel what I feel when you look at me.

I see the best version of myself when I look at you. I see my future. I see looking at you in the car after our wedding night ends and our life begins, grabbing your face to kiss you, knowing how sweet that moment will be. I see jumping into your arms after we see a little check mark that indicates we’ll have something that is an equal mixture of you and me. I see sleeping in on Sundays, watching how the sun runs across your face and feeling in awe I get to have you as a partner. I see taking drives where my hand can’t find itself away from being intertwined in yours, listening to the melody that created us, and exchanging soft smiles. I see a lifetime that brings tears to my eyes because of how loved I am going to be. How worthy I am going to feel.

My darling, my lovely and precious soul, I promise to never take you for granted. I promise to love you with my eyes as you love me with yours. I see my whole world when I look at you. I see what the people mean when they say you’ll just know. From the first conversation we had it was an instant feeling of affirmation. You are it and to be honest, you always have been.

Love can be a lot of things. Love can be messy, unpredictable, heart wrenching, and too good to be true. Although, with you, I have learned that love can just be a good thing. I am going to spend the rest of my waking days to give back to you the love that you have given to me.

Those eyes, your beautiful and endearing eyes, thank you for loving me with them. Thank you for choosing me for I promise to choose you everyday.

This is why you stay

You stay because you are the only you.

You stay because your laugh alone has changed someone’s life.

You stay because of the way your eyes sparkle in the sunlight and create a silhouette of stars.

You stay because there is someone in the world who needs your presence. 

You stay because your dreams depend on you to achieve them.

You stay because your love story is not over or has not even begun.

You stay because you have words that need to be spoken.

You stay because of the way your Dad dances.

You stay because of the way a child says your name.

You stay because of the way that first sip of coffee tastes in the morning.

You stay because of the chance of a really good Sunday.

You stay because of lost hours in your favorite store.

You stay because of those warm summer afternoons where you skin’s pigments change with the season.

You stay because there is a much better you on the other side.

You stay because of the way your Mom grabs your face and kisses you as if you were 3.

You stay because of the solo dance parties you have in your room and how it sets your soul free.

You stay because there is so much left to figure out.

You stay because of the tender kisses from a pet.

You stay because of the way photographs tell a story.

You stay because of the way tired eyes look in the morning.

You stay because of the first snowfall.

You stay because of the first bloom in spring.

You stay because of the way music taps into every emotion you have.

You stay because of the way your friend leans her head on your shoulder.

You stay because there is a chance you will experience love.

You stay because your adventure has just begun.

You stay because of the smell of Mom’s apple pie.

You stay because you know the mirror cannot truly capture your beauty.

You stay because your bucket list has yet to be finished.

You stay because of the way your Grandpa looks at your Grandma.

You stay because of the way the waves meet the sand.

You stay because of the way laugher feels throughout your body.

You stay because of the way laughter looks throughout someone else’s body.

You stay because of the way old bookstores smell.

You stay because there are many desserts that have gone uneaten.

You stay because that stranger needs your smile.

You stay because your kiss will be desired.

You stay because being lost is not the reason to leave.

You stay because you are here to tell your story.

To the Man who didn’t choose me but let me choose myself

It was a really good thing we had going, even if for such a short amount of time. You, with your calming presence and joyous laugh, I want to say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me the art of being patient. For building a foundation of a friendship and showing me how it’s important to get to know someone in the beginning. As a woman I’ve been taught to pounce onto anyone who shows interest even if in my gut I know this isn’t what is best for me. It’s still interest though, right?

My life is a constant slew of, “Are you dating?”, “How do you not have a boyfriend?”, “It’s a shame you’re still single.” This bugs me.

Yes, I cannot wait to find someone to share life with. To sit on the floor and laugh with until 2:00am, to make mundane errands be fun, and to support, love, and be faithful with. This does not in turn mean I have to settle for anything that comes my way just because it is there.

I’ve always given more in relationships than I probably should have. I do not regret this. My goal in life is to make the ones around me feel loved; if that’s what I left you with, my job is done.  Although, I’m worthy of love and effort as well and you, without loving me, showed me just that.

I deserve someone who is going to look at me as though I’m magic. You didn’t do that and for the first time in my life, I realized that was okay. Just because you didn’t look at me like that does not mean someone won’t in my future. You taught me to choose myself instead of choosing another relationship where I carry all of the weight because I’m 23 and if I’m not in love, how shameful.

I am in love. I am in love with figuring out the best way to love myself. I have so much to offer this world and the people in it. You taught me, by the way you didn't act around me, the way I want a man to act around me. Please know this is no fault of your own and you never let me down, I hope you know this. I just wasn’t your magic and you let me realize how I didn’t have to force every slight interest in my life to be my magic.

Thank you for giving me the chance to empower myself. To be a woman who loves herself just as much as she loves those around her.

Maybe in another lifetime you and I were together and it worked. We could have been something so beautiful; I firmly believe that about us. In this lifetime, though, we did do something beautiful; we were able to choose ourselves, which is the start to everything.

Thank you for being the man who did not choose me. Thank you for being the man who let me go and probably will not think twice about doing so. Thank you for choosing yourself and showing me that it is okay for me to choose myself as well. We both deserve something that is greater than ourselves; we deserve magic. I pray you find yours because you are someone who is so worth being abundantly and fiercely loved. I know my magic is out there and I thank you for letting me go in order to find it.

Thank you.

An open letter to Ellen DeGeneres in a world that can be so cruel

Ellen,

Thank you. Can I even say this enough? Thank you from the very bottom, top, and every inch of my heart. Thank you so much for being that light this world truly needs.

How hard is it to be a human these days?

SO hard. It is so incredibly difficult to wake up and take on a day that we can expect to be filled with insecurity, heartbreak, disappointment, and a lot of other mixtures of bad taste. From the very moment you entered the world it changed for the better. Does this make me sound creepy? Probably. I'm just an average 23 year old student who thinks you're the bomb.com and I feel as though the world needs to understand your significance but more importantly, you need to understand your significance.

I've been very lucky in my life. I'm surrounded by people who love me, I have had opportunities with furthering my education, and I've not been told "you can't do this" a lot in my life. I'm privileged in a sense because my life doesn't stray from what the masses term as "traditional". You ignite a change in people to want to stray from traditional and I am certain this is your gift. You were created in such a delicate, careful manner because your existence was going to be used for pure good in this world.

Pure good is needed in a world that can be so cruel. Your 60 minutes of laughter, dancing, and loving makes up for the other 1,380 minutes in the day that the media attempts to fill with controversy, shame, and discrimination.

There is a system in place now that you are working to make better: to make more accepting and more loving. It can be scary for me to think of a system changing that, in this moment, works well for me. You help me understand to look past the "me" part. What is the purpose of it working for me or my neighbor like me if it doesn't also work for the nice cashier who bags my groceries on Monday mornings?

Thank you for being someone I am excited to look up to and who I cannot wait to tell to my future children about; how you changed my world and a lot of others without even knowing us personally. Thank you for making me giggle in times where laughing is the last thing on my mind. Thank you for opening up my heart to people who don't hold the same traditions I do yet all still love the same. Thank you for giving me reason to stand up for my values and for giving me a voice I had a difficult time finding myself. Thank you for being the main topic on many of my 1st dates because then the person across from me can actually see who I am in raw form. Thank you for believing in people and their resiliency. Thank you for living your truth.

You are a ray, a specific ray that shines light in some of the darkest places. You are told on a daily basis how much you are loved by fans and I know I will just be another in the crowd. I am alright with that. The act of writing (typing) these words is enough for me. I'm safe in the knowledge that this world will only continue to grow in a more beautiful way because of people like you. People like you who love others so much that they use the platform they are given to shower love into a world that needs it so much.

Ellen, from myself and my beating heart I thank you sincerely. Thank you for being something so good in a world that can sometimes seem so bad.

Love,
Brianna Gorman (Your 100+ claimed biggest fan alive)

Is it too late now to say sorry?

The semester is coming to an end. How? Where in the world did the time actually go? I've been in the counseling program for exactly a year now and my mind cannot seem to wrap itself around that fact. For one of my classes we were to design a "self-care" plan in the beginning of the semester. I planned to work out more, read more books, stay in contact with loved ones, and to love people deeper. I failed at working out (typical) and I didn't read as many books as I had planned but such is life (and such is wasting time watching Grey's on Netflix). At the end of the semester we were to create a self-care reflection; this reflection could be anything we desire and in any form we felt appropriate. I thought to myself: "Well, I wanted to love people deeper but I should probably start with myself before moving on to others." So, I decided to write a love letter to myself, although, interestingly enough it turned out to be more of an apology to myself. Sometimes you just have to strap on your vulnerable boots and say, "Is it too late now to say sorry?" (Thanks, J. Biebs)

Here goes nothing:

An Apology to Myself

By: Brianna Gorman

Hey, you. Yes, you.

The one who over thinks everything yet sometimes doesn’t think about things enough. The one who feels incompetent in about 80% of the areas in her life. The one who lets comparison be the thief of joy. The one who is really good at finding people to love who don’t quite know how to love her back. The one who keeps quiet because she doesn’t feel confident in the validity of her own opinion. The one who believes she isn’t worthy because he never called back. The one who, at 23, still lives at home. You pick and you prod in front of the mirror because if only this part was a little thinner or that part didn’t have as many stretch marks, well, you would be perfect. You’re a pushover and you let others tell you how you are feeling even if it’s not accurate. You’re terrible at standing up for yourself so you define yourself based on others words. You love way too fast and way too deeply. You are a shame to what society defines as “successful”. I am so incredibly sorry for letting you believe in all these things.

You matter. You are worthy. You are important. You wear your heart for everyone to see because you understand that love is supposed to be shared. Yes, she has great hair and yes, she knows how to rock that look and yes, she is beautiful. This takes nothing away from who you are. You are intelligent. Just look at where you are. You got yourself here. I love the way you care for others who are underrepresented. I love your maternal instincts and that you gravitate to the broken ones because you yourself have been broken. I love how you remember the small details and put meaning into every conversation you have. I love the spaces between your laugher when you try to catch your breath. I love that you don’t settle because gosh, you’re going to find a love so deep. I love how much you challenge yourself to be vulnerable and authentic, even if there’s a risk of being hurt. I love how you will shamelessly instagram pictures of your Starbucks coffee and get overly excited about red cups and pumpkin spice lattes. I love that you hold yourself to a high standard and respect yourself enough to know you deserve things that set your soul on fire. I love how you know yourself and that a combination of Target, Ellen videos, and adult coloring books can put you at complete ease. I love that you put others first and that you truly try to connect. I love your heart for Jesus but I also love and admire your struggle with Him as well.

You. Yes, you. You are beautiful. Not in just the physical aspect but you are beautiful in the way you exist. Your dreams, your aspirations, your thoughts. It is all just so beautiful. I’m sorry for robbing you of your pride and admiration of yourself. You’ve been taught that when someone compliments you, you talk yourself down to make it more of an equal playing field. You do not deserve to feel average; I’m sorry for letting this go on as long as it has. I’m sorry for pointing out everything that is wrong without also pointing out everything that is right; there is so much that is right. Keep being the girl who over thinks everything. Keep being the girl who talks about her future kids with a guy on the 2^nd date. Keep being the girl who you feel you are. The ones who are worth it will join you in the journey.

Also, one last thought. Eat the cupcake, buy those shoes, and just keep swimming. Besides, it’s what I truly love most about you.

Love,

Me

On Vulnerability

An Open Letter to Vulnerability

By: Brianna Gorman

Vulnerability.

You.

You hurt.

We are taught to welcome you with open arms. I did and you hurt. I was just fine before you came along. You have the audacity to take my world and make it raw; so tender that the moment someone comes along, you expose us bare. You open up the “I’m not good enough” door. You actually let my mind go straight to the conclusion of how I’m not good enough for happiness. How dare you? You let a single touch to the hand feel as though I owe the person across from me the deepest of thoughts. You crave connection and passion with others even if I do not feel we are ready for it yet. You make me capable to think that if I let you into my life, you’ll make those “I would never hurt you” and spontaneous pillow talk conversations at night feel real and genuine. When you come into my life, you are in the driver seat. Do we even get a choice in the matter?

Honestly, I think it is a load of crap. I think you are a load of crap. Why must I let you bare my soul to others if I’m not receiving it in return? Why do you lead me to the inevitable pain of a heartbreak? The morning after a heartbreak I am left swimming in the pain, the aches, and the heaviness of it all. You get out scotch free. You lead us all to this stage of subjection and then once we agree to your terms and actions, you leave just like they did.

Vulnerability.

You.

You do hurt.

But, you also help us grow.

I want to say thank you. Thank you for stripping me down in the moments I felt most comfortable being covered. I wear you like my favorite fall sweater, hoping the cold wind doesn’t sneak through the holes but feeling refreshed when it does. My bare soul, with you, is open to catching everything that passes through me. How could I be mad at you for letting me experience life? It is inevitable that you bring heartbreak. The heartbreak where you are standing somewhere and can feel your body crumbling from weight and nothing can seem to cure. That ache I feel at 2:54pm when I think my mind is occupied is due to you. Thank you for that ache. Without that ache, how am I aware that any of it was real?

You bring me the realness of it all.

You make me an authentic human.

I do not think you are actually a load of crap. I find you to be irritating and pushy but I know you just want me to experience life in the purest form. You show me just how capable of loving I am. You let me share the happiness in my soul with others. I know one day you are going to show me why having you is worth my while. I am going to be staring into the little eyes of my future tiny humans, thanking the Heaven above, for letting you take control of my world. You may hurt now but you have so much joy planned ahead for us and I am so excited for this day.

Vulnerability, even if I were rejected because I let you into the relationship, I would not want the stars to be aligned any other way. I want you by my side because you make love feel the way it should.

Real.

Authentic.

Genuine.

Vulnerability.

You.

You make this all worth it.

We can learn a lot. I know I did.

You can learn a lot from an 18 month old. I know I did.

My sister, brother-in-law, and my niece came to visit my parents and me in Texas a week ago. It was such a sweet visit because I have not seen any of them since last July. The last time I saw Makenzie (my niece) she was not walking, not speaking, and was still a "baby" in my eyes. 18 months old does not qualify to be an adult by any means but this visit she looked and functioned like a little human. Walking, talking, singing, the whole sha-bang.

Before they had arrived I told myself to stay calm when I first saw them so I would not freak Makenzie out. I wanted Makenzie to know I was safe to approach and that I was not this strange lady who grabbed her and just started kissing without control (which is exactly what I wanted to do). After getting home from class and walking into the house, I was in awe seeing the tiny, precious, perfect human in front of me. She was more beautiful than I remembered and she looked at me with curiosity but hesitation. I stayed calm (pats on the back for me) and let her approach me when she was ready. She extended her hand to touch me and it is a true statement to say that children are God's way of showing us an aurora of innocence and kindness.

I am by no means ready, at this point in my life, to have children of my own but Makenzie showed me that I am 100% meant to be a mother. I do not have many skills to show for myself but I got lucky that God let me have the skills of being a caretaker. I thought I did not have a clue what a child would need when they cry or what is good for them but it came so naturally when I was with Makenzie. Everyone says it is always different when you have your own kids and you love them more than anything so I am excited for that day because in this moment, I felt more connected to Makenzie than anything else in this world. I can only imagine how beautiful it will be when I have my own children.

Makenzie taught me to be gentle to the world. Her little fingers explored every inch of the northern part of Texas that week and it taught me that there is so much more to explore. She brings me back to reality but also teaches me to keep my heart in the clouds and dream.

I do not think we give children the credit they deserve. Yes, they are little germ worms that lick tables and smear mac and cheese in their hair but they are also the rawest form of a human to exist. They saw what they feel and don't apologize for it. They are really present and they absorb everything they can.

We can learn a lot from them. I know I did.