Today was hard and I was not expecting it to be. I am usually very organized with my life; having my weeks planned out so there aren't any surprises. I guess (actually I know) with all of the talk about the "end of the year" coming up, I've been shoving all of that to the back of my mind and not paying attention to the particular date.
This is where it got hard today.
I was at Northstar this morning, which is the church I have been attending here as a student. It's a special place to me. I truly feel connected to this community and that is a first for me. I feel challenged but loved at the same time. This is where I was baptized, this is where I developed the courage to worship aloud, this is the first church I have felt comfortable walking into and sitting alone at.
They were talking about next Sunday's service, which is going to have the worship being led by the youth. This got me excited, I love worship and I love the youth. They also mentioned that the only service they are going to have will be at 10:00am. I thought to myself, "Awesome, 10:00am gives me an extra hour of sleep."
Then it hit me.
I won't be in Blacksburg next Sunday. Well, I guess technically I will be but I'm going to be traveling to Fredericksburg early that morning, meaning I won't be able to attend.
Then it hit me harder.
As I sat in the seat that had become so familiar to me this past semester; the 3rd row to the left of the stage, I realized this was my last service at Northstar.
I try not to throw my emotions on others, simply because I feel awkward when I cry because I am like a small child that desires to be held so close but also left alone at the same time. Typical girl who can't make up her mind. So, I've kept these emotions to myself. I've realized that for the majority of these past few weeks, I have not allowed myself to feel what these major changes in life want you to feel.
I wonder if God is making me stronger and less emotional or if He is going to give me a moment where it all floods out. I pray I'm close to my Mom if it's the latter.
My heart is starting to feel it a little. I can feel it ache. The emotions are pushing their way through and I fear the break down will be here sooner than later. I'm fearful of the relationships fading, fading away as if they had never happened. I don't want to be forgotten and I don't want to forget. Some of these wonderful individuals I have met, who have had a fair hand in shaping me, I fear I won't ever see again. Goodbye now could honestly be a goodbye forever, aside from social media connections. I've been praying to God that He helps me through these. I pray that He lets me see the beauty in the goodbyes. I realize that moving on from one place to another is inevitable and absolutely a part of life but it doesn't make it any easier right now. I wish it did.
As sad as the goodbyes are, I need to realize that this time is a time of celebration. I'm about to graduate from not just any college but Virginia Tech. A school I was told over and over by admissions counselors that I wasn't good enough. I wasn't hokie material. From the moment I became a Hokie on April 26th, 2011 to now, I should feel proud. It's been a very cool journey; a journey I cannot wait to share with my future loves and also to celebrate now with my current loves.
I know God will provide. He always does.
I guess for the ones who a "goodbye" to actually means "goodbye", that can still be beautiful. They still had a hello from my heart and maybe the world will be good to us and bring us back together in the future. One of life's sweet treasures; the possibility of anything happening.
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