Is it too late now to say sorry?

The semester is coming to an end. How? Where in the world did the time actually go? I've been in the counseling program for exactly a year now and my mind cannot seem to wrap itself around that fact. For one of my classes we were to design a "self-care" plan in the beginning of the semester. I planned to work out more, read more books, stay in contact with loved ones, and to love people deeper. I failed at working out (typical) and I didn't read as many books as I had planned but such is life (and such is wasting time watching Grey's on Netflix). At the end of the semester we were to create a self-care reflection; this reflection could be anything we desire and in any form we felt appropriate. I thought to myself: "Well, I wanted to love people deeper but I should probably start with myself before moving on to others." So, I decided to write a love letter to myself, although, interestingly enough it turned out to be more of an apology to myself. Sometimes you just have to strap on your vulnerable boots and say, "Is it too late now to say sorry?" (Thanks, J. Biebs)

Here goes nothing:

An Apology to Myself

By: Brianna Gorman

Hey, you. Yes, you.

The one who over thinks everything yet sometimes doesn’t think about things enough. The one who feels incompetent in about 80% of the areas in her life. The one who lets comparison be the thief of joy. The one who is really good at finding people to love who don’t quite know how to love her back. The one who keeps quiet because she doesn’t feel confident in the validity of her own opinion. The one who believes she isn’t worthy because he never called back. The one who, at 23, still lives at home. You pick and you prod in front of the mirror because if only this part was a little thinner or that part didn’t have as many stretch marks, well, you would be perfect. You’re a pushover and you let others tell you how you are feeling even if it’s not accurate. You’re terrible at standing up for yourself so you define yourself based on others words. You love way too fast and way too deeply. You are a shame to what society defines as “successful”. I am so incredibly sorry for letting you believe in all these things.

You matter. You are worthy. You are important. You wear your heart for everyone to see because you understand that love is supposed to be shared. Yes, she has great hair and yes, she knows how to rock that look and yes, she is beautiful. This takes nothing away from who you are. You are intelligent. Just look at where you are. You got yourself here. I love the way you care for others who are underrepresented. I love your maternal instincts and that you gravitate to the broken ones because you yourself have been broken. I love how you remember the small details and put meaning into every conversation you have. I love the spaces between your laugher when you try to catch your breath. I love that you don’t settle because gosh, you’re going to find a love so deep. I love how much you challenge yourself to be vulnerable and authentic, even if there’s a risk of being hurt. I love how you will shamelessly instagram pictures of your Starbucks coffee and get overly excited about red cups and pumpkin spice lattes. I love that you hold yourself to a high standard and respect yourself enough to know you deserve things that set your soul on fire. I love how you know yourself and that a combination of Target, Ellen videos, and adult coloring books can put you at complete ease. I love that you put others first and that you truly try to connect. I love your heart for Jesus but I also love and admire your struggle with Him as well.

You. Yes, you. You are beautiful. Not in just the physical aspect but you are beautiful in the way you exist. Your dreams, your aspirations, your thoughts. It is all just so beautiful. I’m sorry for robbing you of your pride and admiration of yourself. You’ve been taught that when someone compliments you, you talk yourself down to make it more of an equal playing field. You do not deserve to feel average; I’m sorry for letting this go on as long as it has. I’m sorry for pointing out everything that is wrong without also pointing out everything that is right; there is so much that is right. Keep being the girl who over thinks everything. Keep being the girl who talks about her future kids with a guy on the 2^nd date. Keep being the girl who you feel you are. The ones who are worth it will join you in the journey.

Also, one last thought. Eat the cupcake, buy those shoes, and just keep swimming. Besides, it’s what I truly love most about you.

Love,

Me